The past few weeks have had me thinking about a lot of things. He just disappears on everyone. Did I ever disappear on him? Was I ever not there to pick him up and tell him that he’s one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever met? I opened up to this kid in such a short amount of time, told him everything he could’ve known about me. I told him my guard was up with anyone that comes into my life because they usually end up walking out, and what did he do? He walked out. There were nights he made me feel like the most amazing person, there aren’t words to describe the feeling. When he’d stay up and just talk to me for hours, when he’d pick me up at school and just hold my hand and beg me not to go back, when I’d fall asleep on his chest and wake up to him snoring. I thought this time might have been different, I thought for once I found something mutual, something real. But, I was wrong, and there isn’t anything worse than feeling not good enough or not worthy of being that person to someone else. Now, he’s back with her. I understand they were together for a long time, but why lie? Why bullshit me into thinking that I was different? That you would never want to see me fall, and that I made you the happiest you’ve been in so long? Well, congratulations because not only did I fall but you made me feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. And the hardest thing I’m going to have to do is pretend that you mean nothing to me when you come back around. If you’re smart you’ll know that my feelings for you will never go away but I need to stop thinking about you. When you realize all this, it will be too late but as long as you’re happy I’ll do my best to show you my fakest smile.  

dinos hands down!

I haven’t really been doing the things I love to do lately. I’ve been so wrapped up and drowned in finding Mr.Right that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I’ve missed singing everyday, working out, doing my work, blogging, taking naps… I found Mr. Right and as of now things were working in my favor, but I always find some way to mess things up. Worrying and over-thinking are probably two of my negative characteristics. Can you blame me? I feel such an infatuation that I always find a way to ruin it for myself and that person. I can never be satisfied with myself, from now on I have to lighten up. Waking up next to him makes me feel like I’m on a different level, that someone gets me for once. I’m not in this to change him, I love the way he is. Why is it that all of a sudden I feel that I need so much attention? I need to relax. Take it easy, and go with the flow. It can be stressful but focusing on myself and school are my two main priorities right now. I like feeling that he’s there for me, that he’s there to kiss me and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. My new goal is to just relax, take a step back, and breathe. I’m not ruining this like I used to, this is a new me. A new us, and I’m determined to grow up and stop acting like the child I was. I could get used to waking up to him everyday, it just feels right for the first time in a long time.

I have a lot on my mind tonight: Today was finally the day when it hit me, I was fighting for someone who was never there to begin with. How can you give your all when the person you want to be with isn’t mentally in the same place you are? I’ve never had someone treat me so badly and try to bring me down so low so that he could have the satisfaction of feeling on top of the world. Too seem “cool” and “so powerful” to everyone else. Seeing yourself pushing someone you told everyday for a year plus, that you loved them to the ground? Knowing you’re the reason they feel the way they feel, they act the way they act, and you still manage to somehow treat them even worse? Tonight I finally realized, I don’t deserve that. Screw being civil, screw it being amicable, if you’re pushing for something that involves another person that you know will always have a special place in your heart and they’re turning their back on you. Stop yourself. You’re setting yourself up to be brought down again. A relationship is about two people who are in a way closer than best friends and care so much about eachother that they would do anything to see the other not shed a tear for as long as they live. I thought I had that, I thought I had a best friend; someone to lean on, for support and guidance. I thought I had a soulmate; that I was making memories with to last a lifetime. I had none of that. If you were my best friend, why did you turn on me? If you were the love of my life, why is bringing me down all you fiend off of? Perhaps it’s about maturity, or maybe just about respect. What could I have expected? Nothing. I set myself up for disaster. But never in my life, have I felt so disrespected by someone who I thought loved me a lot more than they do. My mistake, but in the future I’ll know better. I’ll know not to be dependent on someone and love me before giving away so much of my own love. I’ll know better than to trust in one person with my entire life that when they’re gone it’s as if they evaporated. But you, you won’t know anything. You will never realize how much you hurt me, you won’t ever realize how much you really did change me into the person I didn’t want to be and it’s all because it was all lust. The next time you tell someone you love them I really hope you think it through, because the next girl who has to feel what I have felt with you won’t be strong enough to take it. But I know better than to ever blame myself for losing you.